unwonted rest

our family has lived as missionaries for 8 years, and last year kenn and i were about to break.  we've had too few vacations or regular respites from a work that is weighty and really doesn't end.  kenn is only employed part-time (with a salary that we are fully responsible for raising), but the actual hours and energy he gives far exceed that part-time status to equal a full-time job. and then some.

meager finances were the reason (or excuse) for often skipping vacations and neglecting to take longer personal retreats.  we're quite aware of how essential it is to live well in order to serve others well.  so despite facing the greatest financial strain we'd yet known, we pledged to add substantial rest into our yearly calendar.  God knows every need and we'd trust each one would be met.  after making that decision, we were overwhelmed with gifts!  suddenly we had an abundance of food, all our bills were paid without compromising other areas of our budget, and we actually had the chance to get away over the holidays! 

then we declared january a mini-sabbatical.  the Spirit quickly sealed in me the need to enter a season of rest, a deeper rest than i'd ever sought.  not knowing what was in store, i sensed it would continue even after our sabbatical ended.  (though i certainly didn't anticipate being ordered on bed rest a couple of months later!)  this journey for me has come to represent a metamorphosis that began years ago and, by God's sweet mercy, will carry on my whole life long.

another commitment that kenn and i made was to take a family vacation before baby number four arrives in august.  it was scheduled for this month after school gets out.  arranged by a dear friend, we'd be enjoying a week at a lake house in the mountains - for FREE.  we've had to cancel since my activity remains restricted, and i have been holding in my disappointment with a bit of angst flashing in and out of my mind.  don't we need this get-away? what can we do instead? will the kids feel gypped? i do. 

still, my thoughts are more occupied with realities like all the help we've been receiving.  we're brought a couple meals a week that usually amount to double that.  friends and acquaintances are visiting who typically don't, and others phone or email to check in.  though shut in most days, i don't feel isolated or lonely.  though exhausted most days, kenn perseveres with a heart that's content.  we (mostly kenn) have extra space for neighbors.  a few have stopped by more regularly and we've had opportunity to meet unexpected needs and to pass on what's been given to us.  a couple of kids from our block have shared in our family times of prayer and Bible reading.  our four-year-old gets to have daddy go on field trips and our youngest has a growing list of regular play dates at others' homes.  kenn takes the kids on excursions without feeling pulled in other directions or overwhelmed with work that's piling up. . .

are you getting the picture?  i just saw it this afternoon.  since kenn's position is part-time and the summer brings a lull in campus activity, he was permitted and encouraged by his supervisor to cut out whatever is needed to take care of us at home.  so he has done so.  this glitch in our plans - my limitations and kenn's total switch in roles - has literally created a break for us.  with more time to have fun together and to breathe in all of these gifts, we're already experiencing a sort of recess before summer's even begun!

momentarily, i had forgotten that all of this life of following Jesus is unconventional, right on down to vacations.

today i recognized God providing yet another alternate way.  he always does, when we are ready to see and to receive!

where to find rest

since last fall, my journey's gone increasingly deeper into the realm of rest.  seems this season of physical stillness (bed rest) merely perfects the process!  i have wanted to speak specifically to certain graces given me, but sometimes you have no words of your own to tell of the fathomless truths you've found.  this is a song that has helped me lift up praise to the One whose showers are drenching my soul with Light and Love.

In You
 
I sing for joy
In my remorse
A well within prosperity’s curse
That drowns the mighty oak of pride
But feeds the root of God inside.

In You
I find my rest
In You
I find my death
In You
I find my all and my emptiness
Somehow it all makes sense

In You I’m rich
When I’ve been made poor
Comfort found when I mourn
The prideful one You see from afar
Drawing near to low, broken hearts.

In You
I find my rest
In You
I find my death
In You
I find my all and my emptiness
But it all makes sense

"This is what the Sovereign Lord, The Holy One of Israel, says:

In repentance and rest is your salvation,

in quietness and trust is your strength..."

Isaiah 30:15 

-----------------------

"In You" by Shane and Shane.  Released on Waiting Room Records 2007.

perspectives

after completing the required two weeks on bed rest, my symptoms returned.  as i have told people repeatedly, such trouble comes any time i pick up the pace, even slightly.  i remain on moderate bed rest and kenn and i are preparing for me to spend the remainder of the pregnancy this way.  i am very happy to be at 28 weeks already, but it still leaves a lot of time left in these challenging circumstances.  so much of the "usual" has to be adjusted.  we need new kinds of strength for these days.  and there's a lot that we have to give up.

it is helpful to not only know that others have gone through this but to hear their own stories.  i found a couple of books online where i have only read a few pages, and i have read a bit of online journals telling individuals' experiences with bed rest in pregnancy, and all of these have brought comfort.  what has also been valuable is taking inventory of all that i can celebrate now.  thanksgiving.

today i cried when i read from one blogger's notes how happy she was that her major complications in pregnancy happened during her third and not her first pregnancy.  if circumstances were reversed, she believes she may not have braved having more children.  it was a perspective that i hadn't considered for myself.  i had certainly considered how much harder it is this time around, being eleven years older with a body "altered" by two other pregnancies and having three children to care for.  what would my stance on four babies have been if my first pregnancy wasn't so completely serene? ah, perspective!  i cannot know the full measure of purpose for this season we're in nor the perfection of the timing of it all, but gratitude enables me to imagine.

here are a few things i've been thankful for today:

another baby who's life is already a blessing
water
a husband who listens well and selflessly serves
a husband who deeply engages his children
the ability to write
a laptop
surprise rainshowers
revelation
healthy sugar levels
a new neighbor
a mom who is lightening the housework load
clean clothes
grace
a comfortable chair and a cozy bed
the power of story
three pregnancies without bed rest
three phenomenal children
God's plans to use me to bless others
green leaves that fill the view from my window
the care of friends
an assuring conversation
a prayer answered
the Psalms
good food in the cabinets and fridge

let my heart sing, my soul dance!

while i listened to Third Circle yesterday, one song hit me right where i am.  i must have left the song on repeat eight times. and though the lyrics ring out promise and the music is jubilant and light, i wept. and wept. every time it played, i wept.

there is plenty to mourn in this earthen existence, and a few of my past and present sorrows surfaced while the song washed through me. but it was the Answer to those sadnesses that made me cry so profusely. consider the verse: 

Lord, I cried out, I cried out to You

You answered me in Your mercy

Your anger was fleeting

And now I will dance in your favor all my life

my heart has been nurtured in the fold of God's people for more than three decades, yet it took a long time before i began to understand this standing that i have, this favor.  it's an unending favor before God only because of the sacrificial love of Jesus.  only Jesus.  when we are faced with pain or grief and our crying out becomes our (sometimes last) attempt at relief, he answers.  in mercy, he answers.  the circumstances may not change, he may not remove the pain, but his presence becomes unmistakable. 

the longer i live, choosing to believe in God's delight over me, the more times i find i'm able to dance through troubles and to sing despite my affliction.  hear me.  i do not pretend all is hunky-dory, put on a mask of happiness and stuff my truest feelings away in a cold corner of my soul.  no, no, please no. i am learning to cry out.  i am learning to accept that my brokenness, my failures, my hurts and my questions are no less important to my Father as my devotion, my triumphs and my personal growth.

this is how God turns our weeping into dancing - not by literally sweeping away the "bad" and promising nothing of sin or destruction will ever infect our lives again.  instead, he declares with promises never-ending, that all that he is is ours.  all of him.  we are chosen sons and daughters, from whom he will withhold no good thing! what better position for experiencing joy than in sad times?  what better way to find life but in the face of death? what better chance does light have to shine than in the darkest of all places? what other way can healing be possible than when there is a wound?

the flood of tears from my eyes was at once both a declaration of hurt, frustration and regret and a song of utter gratitude.  what joy it is to be free to release all of it to the skies!  i live every moment, in the fair and in the unfavorable, under a shower of Mercy and Love.

Let my heart sing for you

And not remain silent

Let my heart sing for you

Turn my weeping into a dance


So dance, dance my soul

There's no reason for you to weep

So dance, dance my soul, 

Make music to your King

------------------

"Dance, Dance" by Kate Hurley, Michelle Patterson.  Registered with CCLI.

harmony in day nine

monday, a sweet friend brought dinner and dessert to us. help for this bed rest stretch. not only were we fed, but the prepared meal freed kenn to play with our kids before we ate.  he had them outside, riding bikes on the sidewalk, shooting hoops by the window where i sat watching.  before long, a bunch of children of all ages gathered, mingling in game and chatter. 

when my friend arrived, one of her first comments was something like, "i see you've got my peoples up in these parts!" we agreed that we do but didn't really express how deeply we enjoy that fact.  i've been thinking about it since, about a certain balance "her people" bring as one minority among others on our street.  it's a privilege to be living where it's so colorful (in more ways than one), and it's in "mixed" company that i've always been more at home.

there's harmony in the motley.  the Creator delights in it.  he alone fashioned it.  and this life is so rich because of the diversity of beauty in him and all he has made.  i wish we'd all purpose to hold firmly to these glimpses of Paradise restored, and confess: our differences reflect the perfection of heaven.

day five

 

piety's strain

trying

to sift out

disappointments

You waited till i found

letdown wasn't put out

and put down striving
till i found You waiting

this day was one peppered with frustration over my bed rest orders, despite the fact that i had the privilege of being so "confined" in a beach town at a lovely b&b. with the frustration came guilt, then the foolishness of trying to right myself for the (hidden) fear that God was shaking his head at me and my whining. he is not so, mortal with ploys. the truth about him looks more like this (Isaiah 30:18):

     the LORD longs to be gracious to you;
          he rises to show you compassion.
     for the LORD is a God of justice.
          blessed are all who wait for him!

* * *

poem written by c. l. atkinson

bonnie beams

i see 

who she is -

though you may

mistake

deeming fake

the heartlight

perpetually shown -

 maybe because as her child

i relate

for the cynics

in us

are not left 

overgrown

this little poem is part of an early Mother's Day exercise. written about my beautiful, childlike mom, it relates other things, too - like, how i'll rock the boat of others' perceptions, pointing out who or what they may have misunderstood.  this quality often tops my list of Jesus' best.  (don't get me started on how missed he is.) to his credit alone, i have even learned to jump in more, to let my own vessel be tossed about.

* * *

poem written by c. l. atkinson

day two greets me

before eyes open

my ears recognize

sweet dawn is greeting

with winged chorus outside

night's heat is exchanged

by the drapes being blown

in a dance with soft breezes

at windows wide thrown

my body now wakes

in new strength from true rest

as my heart remembers

this hour as best

morning offers

something of Glory

 * * *

another post to join L. L. Barkat and this week's On, In and Around Mondays 

poem written by c. l. atkinson

day one

At 24 weeks pregnant with my fourth child, I've been put on bed rest.  Yesterday was Easter and the first day on such orders.  I enjoyed a quiet day at home while Kenn and the kids spent the holiday at the grandparents'.  Kenn did make a trip back to deliver to me a portion of the turkey dinner they'd all shared.

As I sat alone eating that meal, sadness began to creep in - mostly in the shape of self-pity.  Barely noticeable at first, I caught it and then looked it in its face. What are you pouting over? This is a loss imagined, not a fit place for grief.  I was holding man's traditions, a holiday, against the meaning of life preserved. And the life beginning inside of me.  This baby missed, now that would be a loss!

Gratitude returned just as fast as those woes had appeared and the food was consumed, reminding me that Resurrection is not a one-day hoopla and Rest is a longed-for gift.

(Written for On, In and Around Mondays.)

an early Christmas gift

last year our family began the tradition of using a jesse tree to celebrate advent.  our pilot run didn't prove to be so memorable, but this year it's surely a highlight of the season.  if you aren't familiar with the concept, it's inspired by the isaiah 11 passage prophesying Jesus' coming: "a shoot will come up from the stump of jesse . . . " typically, a tree or branch of sorts is chosen and for every day of advent one ornament representing a truth or particular story from Scripture is hung on the tree.  all of the symbols and coinciding teachings point toward the gift of God's Son, connecting thousands of years of history to Immanuel's birth.

kenn and i love how engaged the kids have been while we talk about each story, read from the Bible and pray together.  each day we cut out a simple drawing from a free collection i found online.  one kid colors it, one glues it to a paper background that's been tied with thread, and the third hangs it on our tree.  we've covered creation, how sin entered this world, famous prophets and people like king david and ruth.  every one includes a promise of what a Savior brings. last week, R (who is four) started asking about death.  quite exciting, it was no surprise after all the conversations we've had. he and kenn had a lengthy talk - comical at points - about salvation, whom we know who knows Jesus and how everyone dies.

tonight it was my turn to stay with R on his bed after all five of us prayed and kenn had taken A to her room. R and i chatted about the fun day we had and the upcoming visit to his grandparents'.  and somewhere in the middle R mentioned how Jesus can live in our hearts.  affirming him, i asked if Jesus lives in his.  he nodded yes, so i asked if he prayed about it with daddy. "we talked about it," he said.  when i asked if i could pray with him, he responded with that adorable, happy nod of his.  the bashful grin and gleaming brown eyes melt you away.  so i prayed a little prayer that he repeated after me, confidently.  after celebrating a little, he wanted to talk some more.  does so-and-so have Jesus in his heart?  why did mom-mom's husband die?  people put people in dirt.  God goes everywhere with us.  what does God look like?  we even discussed spirits and how eternal gifts are better than toys. (don't think he agrees with that one yet!)

i made sure to bring daddy back so he could celebrate.  then when i sat with O (10 yr) downstairs, i shared the news with him.  i pondered the beautiful things that may be forming in our kids' hearts as we celebrate Christmas this year, and another portion of isaiah came to mind.  chapter 55 says:

"for as the rain and the snow come down from heaven
and do not return there but water the earth,
making it bring forth and sprout,
giving seed to the sower and bread to the eater,
so shall my word be that goes out from my mouth;
it shall not return to me empty,
but it shall accomplish that which I purpose,
and shall succeed in the thing for which I sent it."

amen.
and MERRY CHRISTMAS to you!

where does our help come from?

on the monday after thanksgiving, i didn't want to enter into work again. resting a bit more over the weekend was really good. i was walking around speedily, getting to work anyway, when i smashed my little toe on a dresser drawer. the same foot i injured just weeks before. slow down, slow down already. i sat on a chair and iced my toe while acacia watched an episode of "the cat in the hat knows a lot about that." amusingly, one whole segment was about learning to go slow like a sloth.

kenn returned from the bus stop and asked me whether i had thoughts regarding the far-too-long-overdue vacation we're hoping to take at december's end. we had sent out a request for prayer, knowing we need God to make that vacation possible. then a friend offered up the possibility of using her parents' lake house in PA for free. boy, that would be a quick and ideal answer. wouldn't it? we gave her the dates that would work for us but found they're the same days her parents will be there for their vacation. i was a little disappointed and actually pondered that our only option had been lost, as if God couldn't provide in another way.

when i said i didn't really know what we should do, kenn started with, "i guess i have to send out another prayer email." it's the type of response we all have when we try to make things happen. reassert oneself. instead, i passionately suggested more petitioning of God himself. no sooner did i invoke the both of us to cry out to God to help us in our need - the need of which God is more than aware - than kenn's phone rang with a message. a woman gave her name and said she wanted to give us money. how should she go about it? we replayed the message, laughing in delight and praise. sure, we didn't know if the call was legit, but we were sure God was answering us and promising provision.

a little while later, i took the time needed to rest my toe as an opportunity to sit in thanks. i looked through the psalms and chapter 146 stood out. so did isaiah 58 with its promises for those who act in righteousness. verse 9 says:

then you will call, and the Lord will answer;
you will cry for help, and he will say: here am I.

there's more. kenn heard from a coworker that same day that she and her family had gifts for us. it was like an early Christmas when kenn brought home the 3 or 4 bags of sundry items plus cash. on tuesday, our mail included a Christmas card with a check inside. the following day we received another check from the mystery woman who left the voicemail. kenn had returned her call. she's from a local church that has supported us in the past and their women's group wanted to bless us, too. by friday, we discovered that another congregation sent a large gift to our account, making the money we raised for next month nearly double what we typically receive in any given month. our support will actually be at 100%!

an increase like this at the holidays is not the norm for us, and the pay period isn't over yet! however, kenn and i still don't know whether a vacation will be possible. it is by God's grace through this time of "abundance" that we are seeing this unknown with renewed perspective. receiving so much blessing can make you stop, slow down, and give praise Where praise is due. and you realize (again) that you should have been resting in God's goodness already and praising just like the psalmist:

Praise the LORD.
Praise the LORD, my soul.
I will praise the LORD all my life;
I will sing praise to my God as long as I live.
Do not put your trust in princes,
in human beings, who cannot save.
When their spirit departs, they return to the ground;
on that very day their plans come to nothing.
Blessed are those whose help is the God of Jacob,
whose hope is in the LORD their God.

He is the Maker of heaven and earth,
the sea, and everything in them—
he remains faithful forever.
He upholds the cause of the oppressed
and gives food to the hungry.
The LORD sets prisoners free,
the LORD gives sight to the blind,
the LORD lifts up those who are bowed down,
the LORD loves the righteous.
The LORD watches over the foreigner
and sustains the fatherless and the widow,
but he frustrates the ways of the wicked.

The LORD reigns forever,
your God, O Zion, for all generations.

Praise the LORD.

considering the birds

earlier this summer, our car appeared in the newspaper after it took two bullet wounds in front of our house. what a way to make the front page. then a couple weeks later, a woman made an illegal turn and smacked into our car, scuffing a rim and denting the same door the bullets hit. her insurance company covered the costs of the repairs plus the rental we needed while the car was in the shop. last week, the rim and the entire door were replaced and now the car looks like new again!

God provides in surprising and sometimes bizarre ways. remember manna, from the story of israel's exodus into the desert? they found this flaky kind of honey-wafer covering the ground like dew in the mornings. and when they needed a drink, moses whacked a rock with a rod and water flowed from it to quench their thirst. though God hasn't (yet) asked us to check the grass for food or hit inanimate objects to get what we need, his M.O. with us often resembles how he cared for these original wilderness people.

in 2000, God sent kenn and me on our own journey into the unknown. we moved from kentucky to california with no jobs, no place to live, and our first baby on the way. our financial status completely changed, and we've pretty much lived below the poverty line since. i can recall opening my front door more than once to see a gallon of milk left on my step. i'd take it to the frig only to realize our milk had just gone bad. there's the time when we didn't know what we'd eat for dinner and in popped our friends with two large bags full of food. sometimes a check would come in the mail from someone who'd been praying for us. the amount would be just what we needed to pay an outstanding bill.

we struggle more than ever these days, and last month was the worst in memory. we literally couldn't go grocery shopping for a month. (no complaints from me about that one! it's not my favorite chore.) it is amazing what a handful of coins can mean in such times. you're also reminded of the luxuries you've grown accustomed to, like dishwasher detergent, a personal washing machine (mine broke), fresh fruit, or variety in your diet. you're compelled to pray for every need and to reconsider what is your daily bread.

all the lessons and purposes in these trials are not yet evident, but God remains faithful. our bills were paid and our mouths were fed all month. my parents invited me to "shop" at their house more than once. a friend who visits a local food pantry started giving us any items he cannot eat. and we attended barbecues and birthday parties a number of times, enjoying our plenty despite the empty cabinets. this month, we have gained another financial supporter. one congregation plans to send a bonus gift and may increase its monthly support. and my in-laws just paid for our visit to their house this past weekend. and that's only the material provision. oh what other blessings God has been weaving all the while . . .

it isn't easy not knowing when or from where your income will appear. except when you concede: it's always and ultimately from your Father Creator, whether you're rich or poor. we are of more worth than the birds, who don't sow or reap or store away, yet eat and live. and life is so much more than food.

the golden rule

our stroller went missing recently. it was in pretty poor condition, but it was a double-seater for jogging and we used it a lot. our oldest noticed it was gone one day while a few kids from around the corner were out back. he said he'd seen a couple of them with it, so i told them all to go retrieve it. pretty brazen, i thought, to let themselves into our backyard and then take something. they barely know us.

after a couple of minutes and no sign of the kids, i decided to see what happened. i rounded the corner to find them looking a bit bewildered. no stroller. as i crossed the street asking where it was, they all began their tales. I wasn't outside, SHE was . . . NO! I was in the bathtub . . . NO, I WAS in the tub. . . well actually, I WAS the only one inside . . . then i realized the stroller wasn't taken that hour nor that day but the night before. they had removed it from our yard, left it somewhere on the sidewalk, and now it was gone.

let's just say, i was not pleased.

rewind to the night before. these same kids were racing back and forth with streams of tape pulled from a video they'd broken. our son was riding his scooter as they played and it seems at some point they started chasing him with the tape. he probably thought it was fun, until one boy wrapped the tape around his neck and wouldn't let go. our son hit him in the side to get the boy to release him. then he came home, clearly shaken.

after getting the story, kenn took our oldest back outside and made him apologize. kenn also gave a good talk to the crew of them about playing nicely. i saw from the window that it took some repeating and added sternness for the other kids to even give an ear. then, on his own, the boy who had hurt ours decided to apologize, too. breakthrough! his sister (a second-grader, mind you) actually got mad at kenn, thinking he'd forced her brother to say sorry. kenn calmly set her straight.

back to the day of the stroller. knowing it was taken in the night and i could do nothing about its whereabouts, i took a breath. what do i do now? i almost went to the kids' house to report their crime. i asked who was watching them and one said it was their mom. she was sleeping. sleeping!? i thought. her kids are running the streets and she sleeps? then something happened in me. i know now it was the Spirit within showing me what i almost missed. three precious children.

with my anger dissolving, i told them it didn't matter who took it and addressed the behavior instead. the older ones stared blankly when i asked them how they'd feel if i walked into their house and took something of theirs. so i posed the same to the youngest, who can't be more than 5. with a lisp he said, "sad!" and my heart broke a little more. then i laid down the rule. from now on, if they'd like to go in the backyard or use something of ours, they just need permission. immediately, they asked to use our basketball hoop - the one they'd already pulled from the yard moments before i had them searching for the stroller.

what else could i do? i said okay, and they skipped across the street with me in tow. i let them in our yard. i let them use the toys. and i felt really free.

that night at dinner, kenn read these upside-down commands of Jesus from Luke 6:

but i tell you who hear me: love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. if someone strikes you on one cheek, turn to him the other also. if someone takes your cloak, do not stop him from taking your tunic. give to everyone who asks you, and if anyone takes what belongs to you, do not demand it back. do to others as you would have them do to you.

yielding in prayer yields fruit

eight days ago, we set up our first prayer room!

we propped an E-Z Up shelter in the parking lot of a church down the street during their 5th annual fun fair which is hosted in partnership with our neighborhood association and elementary school staff. this church has a great ministry to the neighborhood called SHINE Ministries, where i have volunteered in the past. just a couple of weeks back, the director of SHINE was speaking with kenn about life & work and invited us to set up a table at the fair. i honestly don't know what he was imagining we'd want to add to the event and when kenn told me of the invite it was almost in passing. for a brief moment i thought it was simply a nice gesture. then a second thought overcame me. WHOA. that's a big deal. and immediately followed: we should have a prayer tent! i think i surprised both of us.

though kenn and i are planning with others to hold a season of nonstop prayer this fall, we did not foresee something of this sort and this soon on our street! kenn went to the director with the idea, the director went to someone overseeing the fair, and the prayer room was approved! there wasn't much time to put it together, but complete peace filled me as i drew plans for how it would look and what elements would be appropriate to include. getting to design such a sacred space, pouring prayer over the details and envisioning what God could be doing, was absolutely fulfilling.

the day of the fair started with two teen boys helping set up the tent. both of them were campers of mine the first year i was a counselor with SHINE. now they're a regular part of the life at that church. my mom joined us, plus two friends from our old church. a youth pastor friend from another church in town (who also happens to be my distant relative) stayed all afternoon to help run the tent. i grew up with him and his sister, and his mother has taught for years at this same neighborhood school, deeply committed to the kids and their families. it's a wild blessing to be doing God's work together today!

at the fair, every child registers for the activities and a card with a list of the stations is given to each. their cards get punched after visiting each one. when a card's complete, a student receives a new book bag and other gifts like school supplies, a New Testament Bible, and a ticket for a free cone from the ice cream truck. at first, people were a bit hesitant to stop by the prayer room. coming together so last minute, it wasn't an official item listed on their cards, and the tent was a bit removed from the other tables. however, once a certain number of people realized what the tent was all about, a flow of visitors came.

in front of the prayer room was a box where anyone could leave prayer requests. only a handful of people shied away from doing so, with most eager to share their burdens or words of thanks. several folks, including volunteers with the fair, made it a point to thank us for having a prayer room, to show their approval of "such a great idea". a few personal stories we heard in more detail. one woman asked for prayer on the spot. we spent time with a man whose newborn son has been fighting for his life. many people we personally know from our street participated. and the kids at the fair loved the space inside the tent. they wrote out prayers and drew pictures of them, some giving praise to Jesus or thanks for what they have. parents rested there while their children colored and hung their work along the perimeter of the room. those prayers and the ones left in our box came to number over 100.

it would take a lot more time to describe everything we saw that day, but one of the most significant moments for me came later that evening. there's a large crew of kids - all from the same extended family - that is always next door and with whom we've gotten pretty close. some of them were outside that evening and one of the little girls, whom i'll call M, came to ask me what we we'd be doing with the box of prayers. i told her a group of us would be praying over them and she asked to help. she wanted me to bring out the box so we could pray for all of them together! though i felt unsure of letting her read the cards since some were shared in confidence and she might recognize who had written others, i knew i still could not squelch her desire.

a few other little girls were playing with my hair as i sat on the porch, and M pulled up a chair in front of me. she continued to ask to pray and i finally decided to not bring out the box but suggested that we still could pray. there were a couple of interruptions, including a phone call with a prayer request, until at last i said, "let's pray." another, even younger girl had pulled up a chair next to M, so that we formed a tight circle there on the porch. she asked to pray first, and with two other girls listening in, the two who were seated put out their hands to hold mine and bowed their heads. eyes closed, each took a turn to mouth silent prayers. after their amens, i asked if i could pray aloud and then brought to God the beautiful day we'd just had. i thanked him for the fair and for friendship. i prayed for our neighborhood, for the phone call request and for the girl's uncle who's awaiting a lung transplant. then an older girl walked up and sat on the window sill next to me. we grabbed her hands and i thanked God for her, too. as i closed our prayer, another cousin came to tell them it was time to go inside and they skipped away.

i am still aflutter inside. what a privilege to sit on my porch as i've done countless times before, this time praying with these dear little ones! i don't know what else is in store, but my heart is ready. God is doing many beautiful things in this place, and i am so grateful we're a part of it all!

----------------------------

UPDATE Nov 2013:

Many months after we'd prayed for the uncle of M and the family had moved from our block, our phone rang.  It was M's uncle, calling from the hospital, having just received a double lung transplant!  His doctors and the other hospital staff were in awe at his body's response and the quick progress in the few short days after surgery.  Then he said he knew he HAD to call us because WE HAD BEEN PRAYING FOR HIM all along!  Even now, every time we see him he attests to the fact that he was given another chance at life.

UPDATE Apr 2014:

These days M and others from the story above have made their home at the church where we held the prayer tent.  They've been deeply involved in SHINE and are growing into beautiful young women.  Please pray that their hearts would be forever captured by Jesus and their faith, too, would yield boundless fruit in this community!  Also, the fellowship we've now called home for over a year is the same one from which our helpers/relatives came to support us at the tent in 2010.  I love life's twists and turns.

what grates on you?

sand is in my bed
it was too late
to bathe little girl
when we were back from the boardwalk

night's sleep broken
it is summer
and it's maybe the fortieth
time because of coughs
and stuffed noses inside
or laughing singing screaming out

tonight's been a bit
of it all
even the cops showed
then a lull came over
maybe prayer was answered
so i climbed back in

with sand in my bed
two hours later
little girl whimpers
and the voices are back by my window

tonight is one of those nights. it's nearly 5 a.m. and i've been awake for a couple hours, even though i actually went to bed early. summer is wild on our block, any time of day or night. in fact, sometimes the same people who wake me at two are still awake when i'm watering the flowers at seven. but this is how i came to write another poem.

i got out my journal to think through my feelings about the rudeness that woke me. that wasn't my first reaction, though. my first was to go downstairs to see who and where they were. i turned on my awfully bright porch light but it didn't phase them. after a bit they did move on, i wrote a bit, the police stopped by, and it got quieter. i went back to bed only to have a poem pop in my head!

i do identify with the poet, naomi shihab nye:

"the things that cause you friction are the things from which you might make art."

can you relate?

flying

our baby girl, who is about to turn two, was born with skew foot. it's not as common or severe as club foot, but as a tiny infant acacia wore full-leg casts and then moved to wearing a brace around the clock. at a year old the brace was only worn in daytime, then we were rid of it altogether this past winter. her skew foot was healed in both feet!

you'd never know acacia had any "abnormality" confining her to some artificial support. she was born sunny. and that sweet disposition has been God's gracious gift to me (and the world!) since her birth. she draws people to her no matter where she goes. i cannot tell you how many have whispered, "she's my favorite," as in secret. and physically? the girl lets nothing stop her. she thought she could just roll off my lap from a chair to the floor before she could even sit up! and how does she walk? running is her MO. her speedy pitter-patter is absolutely adorable to see.

knowing all of this about acacia, i was still concerned about getting her new shoe inserts. her specialist recently prescribed them after seeing how severe her ankles pronate and how flat her feet are. it's been so long since she had to wear a brace, i thought, what if they bother her, hurt her little feet? she might fight us to not wear them. what if it slows her down?

rhys, acacia and i picked them up last monday. the braces were tried on and a few adjustments were made, then we put an extra-big pair of crocs over them. our appointment was over, so we headed outside. there's a great playground right in front of the hospital. we always spend some time there before driving back home. as i walked the kids through that gate, their excitement was spilling out. don't you know, my little girl let go of me and RAN to the swings!? she galloped like a filly. she climbed steps like a big kid. she slid down slides over and over. one time, she did that little trick where you swing by your hands on the bar across the top of the slide before dropping yourself to slip away. she's never done that!

i kept shaking my head in awe, wondering momentarily how strange my grin might look to the other people there. i didn't care, joy was bubbling over. it was as if acacia had new strength in those shoes! and then, rhys began jumping off steps pretending he was superman, flying. guess who copied. acacia started FLYING. boy, did the tears come then and i recalled isaiah 40:31

"...they will soar on wings like eagles, they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."

those whose hope is in the Lord.

acacia was born with a resolve and it's only fitting. her name means guileless. that's a childlike innocence. it is trusting.

i really needed to taste the truth that morning. not only with regard to acacia's feet. i needed the truth about hoping in God alone. trusting him as his child, in a freedom that knows it'll all be taken care of by my Dad. playing my days away as he deals with the big stuff. and to think, when i do so he delights to watch me just like i watch her. when my hope takes me to flight, makes me daring, gets me giggling, he beams in his glory. which just so happens to be my baby's other name.

prayer and a life sentence

this week, a young man was sentenced to 68 years in prison. four years ago, he took another man's life. now he'll likely spend the rest of his locked up. he murdered a man from our town, one who's brother is an acquaintance of ours, a committed community leader and a pastor of a nearby church.

i read the story online, watched a video taken at the sentencing, and began to pray. first for his fianceé and the ones closest to him. for our pastor friend and all the "victims" of this crime. even for others involved in the proceedings. finally, i looked at the face of this convicted man (barely a man, really) and then was my spirit overwhelmed. i pondered what a life he faces, the life he ultimately chose, and i could not help but weep for him. within seconds, i was wishing i could stand beside him, a friend ready to walk with him, no matter his demeanor, conscience or plea.

the more common reactions from any one of us could likely be a shrugging off of such tragedy as all-too-common, a ranting of opinions on how the case was handled, or maybe a shaking of heads in prideful pity thinking we could never be so evil. perhaps we're burdened for the ones who lost their loved one in this dreadful way. or God forgive us, we may even vengefully delight in this young man's demise.

i believe what happened in me had much to do with prayer. i brought my thoughts and feelings into conversation with God and my mourning came, my deepest compassion flowed for the criminal. prayer can do this. not like magic. prayer isn't a game or trick or formula for getting our wishes. when we truly practice prayer, we let ourselves receive God's dreams and understand his passions, even while bringing ourselves before him. choosing to pray this way is yielding, it's placing ourselves at God's mercy. full of mercy that he is, we find that mercy flowing for us. and one day, it overflows to others.

if you're feeling the need for kindness or really want a different heart, try more prayer. give a little more time and grant the Spirit a little more space. into the most empty (emptied) places, the most mercy will flow.

have mercy on our souls.

a poem instead

i have wanted to capture with words some of what we experienced in northfield. nothing has come to me yet. this is where writing can be both frustrating and fun, predictably unpredictable.
thanks to my mom, however, tonight was full of the subject of writing because we watched Inkheart (i, for the first time) and followed it with readings from silverstein's Falling Up.

by the time i got home it was past midnight and i had drunk tea with caffeine. i knew if i went to bed i'd be back out in no time, because the bug was itching me to write. i came to the computer to catch up on correspondence first, and that's where inspiration came. not regarding our fabulous 10 days with the 24-7 prayer family, it's a poem more about days long ago, to some extent. here i credit shel's poetic style and, undoubtedly, the oh-so-lovely randomness of a friend. thanks, bailey.

here's my latest, at this latest hour.

omnibus poem

my school was so special
it drew from all over
families who treasured
a place of high caliber
that is, a place with
morale where a dad or a
mom could be sure
that their daughter
or son was safe from
the lure of lewd words
and a bully as pal
the grip of worldly teachings
and some new-fangled preaching

but i'll save that subject
for another debate
let's talk about how i
became second-rate
see, my school had buses
don't know how few or
more, just know that i
rarely stepped foot in their doors
my house it was tiny
(donned tarpaper forever!)
for years we hardly had
two coins to rub together
but it wasn't this that
caused my dissension
it was that my house sat
outside jurisdiction

doomed to carpool
every day, every year
every grade i attended -
all thirteen, i do fear -
this put me in a class
of a different kind
i wasn't a "bussy"
the elite in my mind
elite because everyone
else got to ride on
the bus that was greener
than on the carside
see what my school taught
so special they say
it drove me to envy
and label, not pray
not memorize stories of
saints long ago
just painted a picture
of the world we all know
where this one is in
that one is out
those have no value
these have the clout
oh! how did i get here
debating again
what was good or was bad
about my institution
i guess it goes back
to the one thing i've
found - no matter where
you are schooled or in
what home you dwell
or who your friends are
come heaven or hell -
everyone's got certain
voices within and particular
ways we are wound

i thank Goodness my school
didn't break me or make
me, the car didn't kill me
the bus doesn't wield me
there is much more hidden
deeply inside that's to
credit for both
my purity and pride
- c. l. atkinson

oh, for such a time as this!

not far from the borders of vermont and new hampshire, a little massachusetts river town has been our home for the last week. we're in northfield. though small by population, it is colossally rich with stories old and new.

here dwight l. moody was born. and here in july of 1886, moody held a month-long Bible conference with over 200 students from 89 colleges and universities. that meeting birthed the student volunteer movement, which came to send out thousands upon thousands of students into foreign mission in just one generation.

while here, we get to play a privileged part - through prayer and physical labor with our campus america family - in the reviving of the old mount hermon school campus. founded by moody himself, this spectacular property was recently acquired for the establishment of c. s. lewis college. the story of how our new friends at the c. s. lewis foundation obtained this land is a miraculous one as well!

we came here to deepen our friendships with our brothers and sisters from campus america, to envision how 24-7 prayer will carry on through our colleges and universities, across our nation, and around the globe. our days have been full of song and study, good food and conversation, playing, praying, and exploring these grounds, all the while soaking in more and more of Jesus. we want his heart alone for our lives and this world. and just as in those days of moody, each one here truly believes the Spirit is weaving this july gathering into another legacy for generations to foretell . . .

how does your garden grow?

i may have inherited a green thumb from the dear gardeners in my family. i'm surely no expert, but i have learned how much effort, time, patience and carefulness it takes. and don't forget ingenuity! yet even with the best sweat, the process can be downright disappointing sometimes.

for example, take efforts thwarted by insects and other animals. you choose a tiny seed, dig in dirt and position it just so, water and watch and water some more. a small stem starts to show sweet little leaves and excitement begins to build. the care continues and the dreams of a lush garden light your whole day . . . until those leaves are chewed right down to nothing!

living life as a Kingdom servant can be likened to this. you pour yourself into others, dreaming of the beauty they could enjoy some day. you sacrifice time and share your belongings, open your heart and help carry theirs. you push yourself to give and stretch your ability to commit. then you start seeing changes in how they treat others or in the kinds of choices they make. excitement builds and it's easier to imagine healing, restored faith, a transformed family and sometimes even a holy city!

until a neighbor disappears for awhile. or one who claimed his need for change, proving grateful for support, finds it easier to stay stuck in old patterns. or a family who seemed headed toward reconciliation falls into turmoil again. or a period of peace in the neighborhood is upset by another rash of violence.

our lives are teeming with "pests" that interrupt growth. maybe it's addiction. maybe fear, or denial, selfishness, anger, greed. some we choose ourselves and others are inflicted upon us, but the list that tears and destroys is endless. when it seems no green could appear and never a blossom would show, we need to trust the Master Gardener. the One who plants life in us will continue to tend to what's begun. and recognize this: when we serve others in the love of Jesus, pour out our time in prayer for them, willingly invite them into our families and become a shining light in their midst through our faithfulness, something of life gets rooted in their hearts and in ours.

which seeds will take root for good, we may not know. just keep going back to the garden. water, prune, and address those irksome pests. and picture the garden full and vibrant one day, flowing over with beauty.