this journey in prayer has been surprising, like our fourth child coming. at first it seemed the sound rhythm of bed rest had continued after his arrival, especially since my recovery took longer than expected. however, the demands of a newborn (in an already full house) drained away any sense of rest. most days i felt over-stretched, incapable. i had hoped for a steady, straightforward climb toward wholeness and "normalcy" but a roller coaster ride describes it better. he's four months old now and it's still up, down, and all around.
like me and prayer.
weeks back, God showed me how i forget prayer in the times when desperation nags and haunts and leeches. somehow i forget why i pray and to Whom i call. when i reach helpless or hopeless, i have quit prayer because there's a crooked belief that if i'm not "enough" my petitions won't be received. i think i should be stronger. i'm ashamed when i get ugly. i compare myself to other moms or the mom i was before. i believe i must first brush myself off, correct my attitude or remember the bright side, and i miss my Father's heart. i believe my composure will grant me acceptance in his presence and he just might answer, even rescue.
then i read Spurgeon's words, depicting a different posture and making me remember:
"oftentimes a poor broken-hearted one bends his knee, but can only utter his wailing in the language of sighs and tears; yet that groan has made all the harps of heaven thrill with music; that tear has been caught by God and treasured... think not that your prayer, however weak or trembling, will be unregarded."
that day, the day i read how "God not only hears prayer but also loves to hear it," i began again to practice this kind. a fever came on me, for no known reason. for several hours in the evening i was home alone with all four kids and physically feeble. emotionally so frail, i simply said, "i cannot do it." and he carried me through. climbing into bed later on, i dreaded facing the overnight. i only asked, "heal me," and before dawn my fever broke.
yet i have forgotten again. i've struggled a lot before and through the holidays and i am back to dismissing this simple prayer. another lesson i have failed to learn. i recall sitting in our first prayer tent a year ago. distracted and disappointed, my hopes for a stretch of quiet had been dashed. not as i planned, i had my toddler with me and she needed my attention and had her own plans. i remember tasting the irony. even then, God was showing me my ignorance, how i limit prayer and limit him and me. he had started me on a new journey of rest. it's one that i'm still on, a ride that hasn't halted, where he's teaching me to just and always be with him and to know how much he longs for me.
i don't know whether yours is like a roller coaster, but this is one ride i pray won't stop. even if it's up, down, or all around. i want to let him gather me toward his heart and my prayers are where it starts. would you ask with me, that i'd begin again and not forget so quickly?
