i have always liked roller coasters

we held a third day of prayer at our community college last month.  like the previous spring and fall, we set up a tent in the middle of campus and invited anyone who desired to join in the 12 hours of nonstop prayer.  to see our communities turned upside down by the love of Jesus, we know it'll start with our praying.  so we gather people to seek the Father's heart.

this journey in prayer has been surprising, like our fourth child coming.  at first it seemed the sound rhythm of bed rest had continued after his arrival, especially since my recovery took longer than expected.  however, the demands of a newborn (in an already full house) drained away any sense of rest.  most days i felt over-stretched, incapable.  i had hoped for a steady, straightforward climb toward wholeness and "normalcy" but a roller coaster ride describes it better.  he's four months old now and it's still up, down, and all around.

like me and prayer.

weeks back, God showed me how i forget prayer in the times when desperation nags and haunts and leeches.  somehow i forget why i pray and to Whom i call.  when i reach helpless or hopeless, i have quit prayer because there's a crooked belief that if i'm not "enough" my petitions won't be received.  i think i should be stronger.  i'm ashamed when i get ugly.  i compare myself to other moms or the mom i was before.  i believe i must first brush myself off, correct my attitude or remember the bright side, and i miss my Father's heart.  i believe my composure will grant me acceptance in his presence and he just might answer, even rescue.  

then i read Spurgeon's words, depicting a different posture and making me remember:

"oftentimes a poor broken-hearted one bends his knee, but can only utter his wailing in the language of sighs and tears; yet that groan has made all the harps of heaven thrill with music; that tear has been caught by God and treasured... think not that your prayer, however weak or trembling, will be unregarded."

that day, the day i read how "God not only hears prayer but also loves to hear it," i began again to practice this kind.  a fever came on me, for no known reason.  for several hours in the evening i was home alone with all four kids and physically feeble.  emotionally so frail, i simply said, "i cannot do it." and he carried me through.  climbing into bed later on, i dreaded facing the overnight.  i only asked, "heal me," and before dawn my fever broke.

yet i have forgotten again.  i've struggled a lot before and through the holidays and i am back to dismissing this simple prayer.  another lesson i have failed to learn.  i recall sitting in our first prayer tent a year ago.  distracted and disappointed, my hopes for a stretch of quiet had been dashed.  not as i planned, i had my toddler with me and she needed my attention and had her own plans.  i remember tasting the irony.  even then, God was showing me my ignorance, how i limit prayer and limit him and me.  he had started me on a new journey of rest.  it's one that i'm still on, a ride that hasn't halted, where he's teaching me to just and always be with him and to know how much he longs for me.

i don't know whether yours is like a roller coaster, but this is one ride i pray won't stop.  even if it's up, down, or all around.  i want to let him gather me toward his heart and my prayers are where it starts.  would you ask with me, that i'd begin again and not forget so quickly?

will Grace suffice?

Hazaiah Kenneth

arrived on Thursday evening

August 18, 2011

weighing a surprising nine pounds and an ounce

measuring twenty-one inches long

God decided.  our family would grow this year.  God decided.  my pregnancy would bring new challenges, new blessings.  God decided.  i would carry this baby full term and he'd be healthy, the biggest yet.

God decided...

ultimately, Only God decides.  and that's the meaning of Hazaiah's name:  the Lord has seen and he decides.  also this: seeing the Lord and believing his decisions.  Hazaiah means to see what Sovereign God has done, to see what he is doing, and to trust it all.  the Good of it all.

this is what God keeps teaching and deeper and deeper goes our trust.  it's not because we're becoming greater and greater, only that he's decided to take us deeper.  into his Grace.  and by his Grace alone we are learning.  with every year we live, every child we're given, every endeavor he leads us into, we find there's more and more we've got to learn.  that's where Grace deepens, as deeper goes the awareness of our need for it.

grace, in fact, is not the first word i'd use to describe our recent days.  more of the waiting combines with postpartum challenges.  recovery is taking longer and the house is getting messier.  even though i can do little homemaking, school's in and kenn is working more outside our home.  too often, sleep deprivation means short tempers and exaggerated emotions.  most often, i am wishing i could get up and get to work: clean the dirt, implement order, corral the kids (and us adults) back to peaceful...

but God decides i am still here 

still needing to say no

  still needing to let go

  still needing Strength 

that from me will never come

  and still needing Grace 

to pardon

i like to read C. H. Spurgeon's Morning and Evening.  today's reflection is taken from Leviticus 13:13, where the law states that a man is declared clean only when his body is found entirely covered with leprosy, head to toe.  here's part of Spurgeon's thoughts on the verse:

"we, too, are lepers, and may read the law of leper as applicable to ourselves.  when a man sees himself to be altogether lost and ruined, covered all over with the defilement of sin, and no part free from pollution, when he disclaims all righteousness of his own, and pleads guilty before the Lord, then he is clean through the blood of Jesus, and the grace of God." 

i needed Jesus to save my life and now i need him in order to live it.  you may have read in previous blogs about God calling me to rest long before my time on bed rest.  it's been close to a year that this particular season of slow has been upon me.  and i've been questioning the Good.  defeat overcomes in this time of feeling hands are tied and of crying, "how long?". but it's the feeling of defeat that ties my hands and it's admitting i really am helpless that sets me free. it frees me to trust in God's decisions and to trust the Good in it all.  only then am i free to act, even when (perhaps especially when) such acting feels like inaction.

"...he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me."  (2 Corinthians 12:9,10)

so be it.

unwonted rest

our family has lived as missionaries for 8 years, and last year kenn and i were about to break.  we've had too few vacations or regular respites from a work that is weighty and really doesn't end.  kenn is only employed part-time (with a salary that we are fully responsible for raising), but the actual hours and energy he gives far exceed that part-time status to equal a full-time job. and then some.

meager finances were the reason (or excuse) for often skipping vacations and neglecting to take longer personal retreats.  we're quite aware of how essential it is to live well in order to serve others well.  so despite facing the greatest financial strain we'd yet known, we pledged to add substantial rest into our yearly calendar.  God knows every need and we'd trust each one would be met.  after making that decision, we were overwhelmed with gifts!  suddenly we had an abundance of food, all our bills were paid without compromising other areas of our budget, and we actually had the chance to get away over the holidays! 

then we declared january a mini-sabbatical.  the Spirit quickly sealed in me the need to enter a season of rest, a deeper rest than i'd ever sought.  not knowing what was in store, i sensed it would continue even after our sabbatical ended.  (though i certainly didn't anticipate being ordered on bed rest a couple of months later!)  this journey for me has come to represent a metamorphosis that began years ago and, by God's sweet mercy, will carry on my whole life long.

another commitment that kenn and i made was to take a family vacation before baby number four arrives in august.  it was scheduled for this month after school gets out.  arranged by a dear friend, we'd be enjoying a week at a lake house in the mountains - for FREE.  we've had to cancel since my activity remains restricted, and i have been holding in my disappointment with a bit of angst flashing in and out of my mind.  don't we need this get-away? what can we do instead? will the kids feel gypped? i do. 

still, my thoughts are more occupied with realities like all the help we've been receiving.  we're brought a couple meals a week that usually amount to double that.  friends and acquaintances are visiting who typically don't, and others phone or email to check in.  though shut in most days, i don't feel isolated or lonely.  though exhausted most days, kenn perseveres with a heart that's content.  we (mostly kenn) have extra space for neighbors.  a few have stopped by more regularly and we've had opportunity to meet unexpected needs and to pass on what's been given to us.  a couple of kids from our block have shared in our family times of prayer and Bible reading.  our four-year-old gets to have daddy go on field trips and our youngest has a growing list of regular play dates at others' homes.  kenn takes the kids on excursions without feeling pulled in other directions or overwhelmed with work that's piling up. . .

are you getting the picture?  i just saw it this afternoon.  since kenn's position is part-time and the summer brings a lull in campus activity, he was permitted and encouraged by his supervisor to cut out whatever is needed to take care of us at home.  so he has done so.  this glitch in our plans - my limitations and kenn's total switch in roles - has literally created a break for us.  with more time to have fun together and to breathe in all of these gifts, we're already experiencing a sort of recess before summer's even begun!

momentarily, i had forgotten that all of this life of following Jesus is unconventional, right on down to vacations.

today i recognized God providing yet another alternate way.  he always does, when we are ready to see and to receive!

where to find rest

since last fall, my journey's gone increasingly deeper into the realm of rest.  seems this season of physical stillness (bed rest) merely perfects the process!  i have wanted to speak specifically to certain graces given me, but sometimes you have no words of your own to tell of the fathomless truths you've found.  this is a song that has helped me lift up praise to the One whose showers are drenching my soul with Light and Love.

In You
 
I sing for joy
In my remorse
A well within prosperity’s curse
That drowns the mighty oak of pride
But feeds the root of God inside.

In You
I find my rest
In You
I find my death
In You
I find my all and my emptiness
Somehow it all makes sense

In You I’m rich
When I’ve been made poor
Comfort found when I mourn
The prideful one You see from afar
Drawing near to low, broken hearts.

In You
I find my rest
In You
I find my death
In You
I find my all and my emptiness
But it all makes sense

"This is what the Sovereign Lord, The Holy One of Israel, says:

In repentance and rest is your salvation,

in quietness and trust is your strength..."

Isaiah 30:15 

-----------------------

"In You" by Shane and Shane.  Released on Waiting Room Records 2007.

perspectives

after completing the required two weeks on bed rest, my symptoms returned.  as i have told people repeatedly, such trouble comes any time i pick up the pace, even slightly.  i remain on moderate bed rest and kenn and i are preparing for me to spend the remainder of the pregnancy this way.  i am very happy to be at 28 weeks already, but it still leaves a lot of time left in these challenging circumstances.  so much of the "usual" has to be adjusted.  we need new kinds of strength for these days.  and there's a lot that we have to give up.

it is helpful to not only know that others have gone through this but to hear their own stories.  i found a couple of books online where i have only read a few pages, and i have read a bit of online journals telling individuals' experiences with bed rest in pregnancy, and all of these have brought comfort.  what has also been valuable is taking inventory of all that i can celebrate now.  thanksgiving.

today i cried when i read from one blogger's notes how happy she was that her major complications in pregnancy happened during her third and not her first pregnancy.  if circumstances were reversed, she believes she may not have braved having more children.  it was a perspective that i hadn't considered for myself.  i had certainly considered how much harder it is this time around, being eleven years older with a body "altered" by two other pregnancies and having three children to care for.  what would my stance on four babies have been if my first pregnancy wasn't so completely serene? ah, perspective!  i cannot know the full measure of purpose for this season we're in nor the perfection of the timing of it all, but gratitude enables me to imagine.

here are a few things i've been thankful for today:

another baby who's life is already a blessing
water
a husband who listens well and selflessly serves
a husband who deeply engages his children
the ability to write
a laptop
surprise rainshowers
revelation
healthy sugar levels
a new neighbor
a mom who is lightening the housework load
clean clothes
grace
a comfortable chair and a cozy bed
the power of story
three pregnancies without bed rest
three phenomenal children
God's plans to use me to bless others
green leaves that fill the view from my window
the care of friends
an assuring conversation
a prayer answered
the Psalms
good food in the cabinets and fridge

day five

 

piety's strain

trying

to sift out

disappointments

You waited till i found

letdown wasn't put out

and put down striving
till i found You waiting

this day was one peppered with frustration over my bed rest orders, despite the fact that i had the privilege of being so "confined" in a beach town at a lovely b&b. with the frustration came guilt, then the foolishness of trying to right myself for the (hidden) fear that God was shaking his head at me and my whining. he is not so, mortal with ploys. the truth about him looks more like this (Isaiah 30:18):

     the LORD longs to be gracious to you;
          he rises to show you compassion.
     for the LORD is a God of justice.
          blessed are all who wait for him!

* * *

poem written by c. l. atkinson

where does our help come from?

on the monday after thanksgiving, i didn't want to enter into work again. resting a bit more over the weekend was really good. i was walking around speedily, getting to work anyway, when i smashed my little toe on a dresser drawer. the same foot i injured just weeks before. slow down, slow down already. i sat on a chair and iced my toe while acacia watched an episode of "the cat in the hat knows a lot about that." amusingly, one whole segment was about learning to go slow like a sloth.

kenn returned from the bus stop and asked me whether i had thoughts regarding the far-too-long-overdue vacation we're hoping to take at december's end. we had sent out a request for prayer, knowing we need God to make that vacation possible. then a friend offered up the possibility of using her parents' lake house in PA for free. boy, that would be a quick and ideal answer. wouldn't it? we gave her the dates that would work for us but found they're the same days her parents will be there for their vacation. i was a little disappointed and actually pondered that our only option had been lost, as if God couldn't provide in another way.

when i said i didn't really know what we should do, kenn started with, "i guess i have to send out another prayer email." it's the type of response we all have when we try to make things happen. reassert oneself. instead, i passionately suggested more petitioning of God himself. no sooner did i invoke the both of us to cry out to God to help us in our need - the need of which God is more than aware - than kenn's phone rang with a message. a woman gave her name and said she wanted to give us money. how should she go about it? we replayed the message, laughing in delight and praise. sure, we didn't know if the call was legit, but we were sure God was answering us and promising provision.

a little while later, i took the time needed to rest my toe as an opportunity to sit in thanks. i looked through the psalms and chapter 146 stood out. so did isaiah 58 with its promises for those who act in righteousness. verse 9 says:

then you will call, and the Lord will answer;
you will cry for help, and he will say: here am I.

there's more. kenn heard from a coworker that same day that she and her family had gifts for us. it was like an early Christmas when kenn brought home the 3 or 4 bags of sundry items plus cash. on tuesday, our mail included a Christmas card with a check inside. the following day we received another check from the mystery woman who left the voicemail. kenn had returned her call. she's from a local church that has supported us in the past and their women's group wanted to bless us, too. by friday, we discovered that another congregation sent a large gift to our account, making the money we raised for next month nearly double what we typically receive in any given month. our support will actually be at 100%!

an increase like this at the holidays is not the norm for us, and the pay period isn't over yet! however, kenn and i still don't know whether a vacation will be possible. it is by God's grace through this time of "abundance" that we are seeing this unknown with renewed perspective. receiving so much blessing can make you stop, slow down, and give praise Where praise is due. and you realize (again) that you should have been resting in God's goodness already and praising just like the psalmist:

Praise the LORD.
Praise the LORD, my soul.
I will praise the LORD all my life;
I will sing praise to my God as long as I live.
Do not put your trust in princes,
in human beings, who cannot save.
When their spirit departs, they return to the ground;
on that very day their plans come to nothing.
Blessed are those whose help is the God of Jacob,
whose hope is in the LORD their God.

He is the Maker of heaven and earth,
the sea, and everything in them—
he remains faithful forever.
He upholds the cause of the oppressed
and gives food to the hungry.
The LORD sets prisoners free,
the LORD gives sight to the blind,
the LORD lifts up those who are bowed down,
the LORD loves the righteous.
The LORD watches over the foreigner
and sustains the fatherless and the widow,
but he frustrates the ways of the wicked.

The LORD reigns forever,
your God, O Zion, for all generations.

Praise the LORD.