it's okay: a work in progress

i think i'm learning a little bit more about ambiguity and unanswered questions, about striving and settling.

like this weekend. i was six hours away from home and my babies, and my sweet 3-year-old ended up in the hospital. it was likely he'd be just fine, but i really did fear i might lose him. now i look back on it and think, was there more to take away from that experience? should my reaction to his healing have been as intense as my fear of his failing? did i miss something?

yes, i'm learning.
it's okay to not know how to respond.
it's okay to wonder what's going on and not come up with an answer.
it's okay to revel in the glimpse of something without jumping to seize the whole picture.
it's okay to speak what i sense is utterly true, even when it's depths i cannot grasp nor wholly express.
it's okay to stay put when divergence enters the room.
it's okay to feel less than inspired after a conversation.
it's okay to start something i may not finish today.
it's okay to try something, not knowing where it'll take me.

it's more than okay.

i am learning a little bit more about my compulsion to get everything just right. mind, matter, me, you.

i'll probably pursue more insight into the crazy weekend, but i think i'll be okay if i don't.

gifts (these and those)

i am trying to wrap my heart round a certain concept. if God is my God, what room is there for concern for things, namely the stuff we buy and give and collect and design and hope to add to our other things?

i am struggling again with the christmastime rule: you give nice things to the ones you love. give me permission to break it! please! such demands make me tense. yet i wrestle just the same and more often with the gifts inside me - they dream of color and shape and design, to furbish, enhance and arrange, using hands and mind to create pleasing spaces and nonessentials. be sure, i've understood the good advice and firm arguments for each conflict. i still find myself here, conflicted.

it is tonight i think i've reached the end of this maze, realizing the end should have been my start. i shall begin with the knowledge - i mean a full grasp - that what lies within me is by God's design of grace. it will be freedom to abide by his rules and pursue the privilege of sharing my gifts. if he chooses to grace me with such opportunity, i pray i will joyously bestow them. whether family, friend, neighbor or stranger, those i love will then possess something of another Rule.

this start is not the desire to gain, achieve, impress, appease. start is in profound thankfulness, revelling in the undeserved and mysterious favor received. this is logic leaving no room for anxiety.

now to wrap up my heart with it. . .
what are you wrapped up in?